How to Run a Men’s Circle

2 Apr

A QUICK LOOK AT MEN’S CIRCLES AND HOW TO RUN A POTENT ONE IN YOUR COMMUNITY

5 Minute Read

All of this should be read within the context that I have been born into male, heterosexual, white, first-world privilege.

Introduction

I think of Masculinity as a sacred aspect of life.

It is deeply rooted in transcendence.

It is driven by purpose.

It moves in the direction of love for the benefit of all beings.

Men have the ability to embody this to a greater or lesser degree.

Men have the ability to be conscious of this to a greater or lesser degree.

Men who consciously embody the masculine essence thrive.

On the other hand those who are unconscious of how it works within them are subject to the forces of what they have not yet seen.

Meeting in a potent men’s circle is a profound way to bring consciousness to the unconscious and receive the transmission of embodied masculinity.

Masculine Disconnection

There are several drawbacks that are common for masculine oriented men that have become or have always been predominantly disconnected from their own masculine essence.

They often feel insecure being authentic with other men
They often feel insecure leading other men
They often feel insecure being led by other men

All three of these insecurities stem from one general disconnection within themselves. A disconnection from their own fully embodied masculine essence and from their shadow.

Often this disconnection is the result of a man’s upbringing and his relationship with a core masculine role model. Either he didn't have one, his male role model was also disconnected from his masculine essence or his masculine role model was unsafe for him. None of these are his fault.

One of the ways that a male role model shows up when they are disconnected from their core masculine essence is by embodying what some people refer to as toxic masculinity. These are traits that project superiority over others through a superficial posture.

Paradoxically this posture is the result of the man being insecure. Which is a result of him being disconnected from his core masculine essence. Which is a result of his relationship with his own masculine role model.

If we are unable to become aware of this and grow from insecurity to confidence then we will likely end up living an inauthentic life that we feel disconnected from. We become limited by the presence of any man or woman that challenges who we are and why we are here in any way.

There are however Men who either had a reliably conscious masculine role model or have already done the work to bring consciousness to their own masculinity and to heal that wound.

Masculine Connection

There are several benefits for masculine oriented men who are predominantly connected to their core masculine essence.

They often feel confident being authentic with other men
They often feel confident leading other men
They often feel confident being led by other men

All three of these strengths are the result of a man being conscious of his own masculine essence and his shadow.

Being confident on these three levels empowers a man to create success in the areas of his life that are most important to him.

When a man feels confident being authentic with other men he is able to stretch out into his most effective posture regardless of who is standing in front of him. He would be able to show up in front of other men when he feels collapsed and name it and be seen in it. Therefore being more likely to own it, feel it, transform it and use it to move forward in a conscious way.

When a man feels confident leading other men he is able to witness how they are showing up. He is aware of what is motivating them and able to offer support, guidance and feedback that calls forward the best out of the other man. He also feels comfortable challenging other men when he can see that they are out of their integrity.

When a man feels confident being led by other men he is aware of the level of consciousness the male leader is operating from. He is able to discern if the leadership is helpful or unhelpful and he is able to either take the leadership onboard without defensiveness or choose to take respectful initiative if the leadership is unhelpful.

All three of these benefits support a man moving in the direction of his purpose in the world without being thwarted by anxiety or resentment.

There is a tried and true method for men to develop confidence through connecting consciously with their inner masculine essence.

Men’s Circles

The path that has fostered men developing a strong masculine essence has been practised in every indigenous culture around the world since before recorded history.

We just forgot.

It involves three significant elements that we either completely miss or distort in modern society.

Sacred Men’s Business
Eldership
Initiation

All three of these arise out of a deep respect for and integration of ceremony and ritual in day to day life.

Sacred Men’s Business is the honouring of men and masculinity as a unique energy from woman and femininity. To the point where there are certain activities that differ between men and women. In today's culture this has become somewhat awash however there is a deep wisdom that is the result of thousands of years of evolution that led to this phenomena in indigenous culture. I have to admit, I am not indigenous and I have not been initiated into an indigenous tradition. I have however been involved in sacred men's business with Australian Indigenous men in NSW and in WA, and I have read broadly on the topic as well as having had mentorship from my own mens group facilitator James Harvey who has shared his experience being welcomed into sacred men’s business in the USA and Australia with myself and our men’s group. Sacred men’s business means that there are some things that are meant for men and are to be shared between men and when done are done so with an air of reverence.

Eldership is another tradition that we have somehow lost where we hold in our customs and our hearts that the elders of our community embody something that we don't, a life fully lived and access to relationship with land, people and tradition across many generations. This may seem irrelevant when we are overly focused on the deity of data however the wisdom of eldership is something that can not be quantified. It can only be felt through slowing down enough to actually be with, listen to and connect with the elders of our community. It is a transmission.

Initiation is another ancient practice that stems from indigenous culture. It was historically done within the context of both sacred men’s business and eldership whereby young pubescent men were taken through an experience that invited them to access within themselves the confidence to trust their own inner transcendence, purpose and ability to be the generator of their own way. On return from initiation these young men were honoured by the community as having become a man and therefore were given a greater role of responsibility for the good of the tribe.

So how can we connect with and benefit from these three traditions and somehow generate confidence through connecting to our masculine essence?

To begin with, the same way that they did, Mens Circles.

Practice

As I described in my youtube video on men’s circles I started mine around 6 years ago having hardly participated in more than one before that myself. However, the circle I started ran for 5 years straight supporting tens of men in my community and although we don’t meet fortnightly anymore, we are all still connected and supportive of each other.

There are some basic guidelines here on how to start your own men’s circle. However, if you are interested in finding one look around you. Ask the men in your community, search online or reach out to me if you are still having trouble. If all else fails, start your own.

The practice of a mens circle is simply to meet with other men and to take turns in sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other. However there are 7 principles that guide a mens circle that are really important that you know and implement in order to make your circle potent. Outside of that you have some liberty to be creative and tend to the personal needs of the men you are meeting with.

Respect - Acknowledging and respecting yourself, the other men in the circle, your lineage of men and the traditional custodians of the land that you meet. Also when you share it is not a space for blaming, shaming or maiming others it is a healing space.
Frequency - Personally fortnightly is a sweet spot for me because it gives enough time to have things to reflect on without so much time between meetings that you feel disconnected from the other men.
Location - All of my meetings were held outside on the earth under the stars by a fire. This is an amazing way to spend time with or without people and it is also the traditional way to do it. If it's impractical however you can also do it indoors or even online if that is the only way you can get it together.
Attendees - Ideally you don't want to have more than 10 or less than 3 guys at any given circle. At least three makes it a group process and less than 10 means it won't take you all night for everyone to share.
Guidelines - Three fundamental guidelines that are non-negotiable are 1. No cross talk, when it is the other man’s turn to share, just listen until he is done. 2. Nothing leaves the circle, what happens in the circle stays in the circle, the information shared is not relevant to people outside of the circle, keep it confidential. 3. Keep any feedback offered to other men as
Leadership - It is helpful to have at least one person leading the movement of the group and each circle. It is often helpful to have others that support this leadership role however one stable leader is essential for potency. The leader can run a meditation, time the shares if needed and even adjudicate if other men are getting out of line.
Money - Circle can be free or there can be a request for a contribution, a donation, a fee or the effort put in can simply be shared equally among the men. If money is involved, consider the purpose of the circle. In my case when I started it was free because I had almost no experience and I was benefiting from it myself. We started to bring some donations in when there were things like firewood, time and food costs involved. Having a fee also separates the wheat from the chaff in a way. Those that really want and need to be there come when there is a fee and they will take it more seriously and likely get more out of it. Those that don't need it that much won't be willing to pay.

Ultimately the way the circle is run, the mindset of the leader and the attendees, the setting and the intention behind it will have a massive impact on the outcome. You will soon know how potent your circle is because people will either stay and contribute value to it or they won't.

Podcast

If you would like to hear my latest podcast interview with James Harvey the facilitator of the men’s circle I attend check it out on youtube here -

Or on Spotify here -

Video

If you would like to hear about my experience of starting my own men’s circle check out my youtube video here -

If embodying success through conscious masculinity is something that you can see yourself benefiting from, click here to book a free 30 minute discovery call where we will explore your relationship to what is most meaningful and valuable for you. If we are a good fit I will book you in and we will start this process as soon as possible.

Conclusion

Being a man is a sacred and beautiful privilege. We are powerful beings and have the potential to create or destroy almost anything we desire. In my experience gaining the transmission of masculinity from other men and elders is one of the most potent forms of transformation I have ever had. It is our birthright and our support. If we don't find it, create it, honour it and share it then it won't happen.

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