What Makes Relationships Work
WAYS TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY AND LONGEVITY OF YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
Reading Time - 5 Minutes
Are you experiencing hurt, distance and stress in your romantic relationship?
The Beatles said all you need is love and yet our relationships cause so many of the challenges we face in our day-to-day lives. On the other hand relationships for some have the potential to be fulfilling, enduring and increasingly satisfying. Although I am yet to meet someone that has been in a long-term relationship say how easy it is. So why do we struggle in relationships? What makes relationships work? And what can we do about it?
What we know About Relationship Troubles
It's no secret that relationships have the potential to be painful and more often than not fall short of lasting and supportive partnerships. Many of us don't choose to get married anymore with having such a large percentage of divorce in our communities. It's no surprise that in Australia annual marriage registrations are the lowest reported since 1961. Those who are married have had an upward trend in divorce rates globally since the 1970s.
Dr John Gottman and his colleague Robert Levenson started to undergo research on couples in the 1970’s and developed a process to measure and understand couples interactions based on their bio-feedback and communication. They followed over 3000 couples over a 20 year period. The data from this research has been shown to predict the longevity of a relationship with 90% accuracy.
Here are some of the most interesting findings from the research.
Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are the top predictors of the early fall of a relationship.
Stable relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
Unstable relationships have a 0.08:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
A lack of shared humour, affection and empathy are also key predictors of relationships not lasting.
For more information from John Gottman check out The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - Order the Book or Check out the four minute summary.
Attachment Theory
Attachment Theory comes from a groundbreaking British psychologist named John Bowlby in the 1950s. He discovered that children develop attachments to their primary caregivers in unique ways depending on how they were raised. What was learned from this research was then later developed to explain how the attachment styles that we develop in early childhood go on to shape our personal needs and attachment styles in romantic relationships. There are four attachment styles in attachment theory. However, two significant attachment styles that are useful to look at when thinking about the troubles in our relationships are anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.
Anxious Attachment
An anxious attachment style may have been developed from having a primary caregiver that was unreliable for the child to depend on physically and emotionally. When in a romantic relationship this can show up as a tendency to feel anxious and unsafe when our partner is not as physically or emotionally connected or close to us.
Avoidant Attachment
An avoidant attachment style may have been developed from having a primary caregiver that was dismissive of disapproving of the child's call for connection. When in a romantic relationship this can show up as a tendency to feel overwhelmed and unsafe when our partner is physically or emotionally moving towards us or needing us.
There is no black and white label for who and how we are that can ever be accurate, so take these concepts as tools for reflection.
Most of the time in your relationship, which partner feels more of a need for physical or emotional connection and which partner feels more of a need for physical or emotional space?
For more information on attachment theory in relationships check out Attached: The New Science of Adult Relationships and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Dr Amir Levine & Rachel Heller - Order the book or Check out the four minute summary.
When Relationships Work
Another giant in the world of relationship work is Dr Sue Johnson who is notably famous for developing one of the most effective forms of couples therapy available today Emotion Focused Therapy. Johnson clearly outlines the value and power of prioritising emotional connection in relationships. She offers a convincing argument that our basic human need for safety is intimately unified with our need for love and connection.
From here we can see that all theories and models of relationships and relationship therapy can be whittled down to one core question -
Do you feel emotionally safe and connected with your partner?
When we are with them, day by day do we feel from them that we really matter, that they are there for us?
In her 2015 article, “My, How Couples Therapy Has Changed”, Dr Johnson explores how the research on relationships has transformed the way we think about what really matters in relationships. The good news from the research is that we can learn how to regulate our attachment emotions, accept them and communicate our attachment needs clearly creating greater degrees of emotional safety with our partner.
For more information about Emotion Focused Therapy check out Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson. Order the book or Check out the four minute summary.
Helpful Habits
There are many ways to repair and reconnect with your partner if that is what you both really want to do. In light of what we have explored so far I want to suggest three practical habits that you might be able to implement into your life with your partner to bring you back together stronger than ever.
Time Away - Meet the need of the avoidant partner and allow the anxious partner to become more comfortable with distance. At a regular interval, once a week for example, consciously spend time away from your partner. Take some time to yourself doing something that you love and enjoy without the other partner.
Time In - Meet the need of the anxious partner and allow the avoidant partner to become more comfortable with connection. At a regular interval, once a week for example, consciously spend time connecting with your partner emotionally. Spend time holding each other, telling each other what you are feeling and needing or just breathing together.
The Little Things - Take interest in the ways that your partner wants and needs you to show them that they matter. Ask them if you need to, what you you love me to do to show you that you matter to me? And then in many little ways through the day and the week, take a moment to honour your partner in that way. It could be an unexpected hand on the back, whispering a sweet nothing in their ear, a compliment, or even just asking them if they are ok.
Give these a try and know that it takes time to rebuild trust and connect in relationships, but one small effort at a time shows your partner that they matter and that you do want to make it work .
If you would like to try a couples breathing technique check out my latest Insight Timer meditation bellow.
Breathing In Presence with your Partner
Conclusion
We are fortunate to live in a time when we have had so many great researchers and therapists pave the way for us to move through healing and thriving in our relationships. The science of attachment and connection is a helpful tool for us to understand ourselves and our partner's needs. A short blog post and a few exercises are just the tip of the iceberg. There are many ways in which we can be challenged in our relationships and in the same way there are many ways that we can thrive. Sometimes taking the time to get clear and establish for yourself your intentions and commitment to a relationship can be all you need to find the motivation to make a change. We have to start somewhere.
If you are interested in learning more about what makes relationships work, check out my latest interview with relationship expert Sean Tonnet below.
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Do you have a question or topic you would like to learn more about?
If so email mike@michaelvaccaro.com.au and I will incorporate what's most relevant for you in up and coming articles, podcasts and youtube videos.
May All Beings Be Happy
Michael Vaccaro
BCouns, GradCertAppMind, CertMedHolCouns
