Loving Language
A Guide to Nonviolent Communication for Couples
Reading Time: 6–7 Minutes
In the dance of intimate relationships, communication is the rhythm that keeps us in sync. And yet, how often do we find ourselves stepping on each other’s toes, not out of spite, but because we’ve fallen out of rhythm?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a way back to harmony. It’s not just about how we speak, it’s about how we listen, how we show up, and how we choose to connect, even when it’s hard.
The Four Steps of NVC
At its core, NVC is made up of four simple (but not always easy) components:
Observation (without evaluation)
Describe what’s happening, purely and clearly, without judgment or interpretation.Instead of: "You’re always on your phone during dinner."
Try: "I noticed you looked at your phone a few times while we were eating."Feelings (not thoughts or blame)
Share what you're actually feeling—not what you think about the other person."I felt sad and a little disconnected."
Needs (the universal human ones)
Connect those feelings to what matters to you on a deeper level."I really value quality time when we’re together."
Requests (not demands)
Ask for something that might help meet the need—something doable and specific."Would you be open to leaving phones aside while we eat together?"
This isn’t just a script, it’s a shift in mindset. And it only really works when we’re able to be present, open, and regulated in our nervous systems.
NVC Is About How You Listen, Too
Most people focus on how to talk using NVC. But the real magic happens when we use it to listen. That means:
Listening for what your partner might be feeling, even if they’re not saying it directly.
Listening for the need behind the complaint, the tone, or even the silence.
Being curious rather than reactive.
When both partners are willing to listen this way, even tension can become a doorway into deeper connection.
How NVC Helps You Avoid the Four Horsemen
John Gottman’s research identified four key behaviours that often signal a relationship is in trouble, he called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism – attacking your partner’s character
Defensiveness – denying responsibility or blaming back
Contempt – sarcasm, eye-rolling, or superiority
Stonewalling – emotionally shutting down
NVC offers a healthy alternative to each one:
Instead of criticism, we describe what we observe.
Instead of defensiveness, we own our feelings and needs.
Instead of contempt, we express our vulnerability.
Instead of stonewalling, we pause, regulate, and return to connection when we’re ready.
Learning to communicate compassionately more often leads to a mouthful trust and a natural decline in violent communication.
Self-Regulation Is the Foundation
Here’s the thing: NVC doesn’t work if you’re dysregulated.
If you’re activated, angry, shut down, overwhelmed, your nervous system is in survival mode. You won’t be able to access curiosity, compassion, or even clear language. You’ll be communicating from protection, not connection.
So before you even open your mouth, ask:
Am I regulated enough to communicate with care?
Is my partner in a state where they can receive me?
If the answer is no, the most loving thing you can do is pause. Breathe. Move your body. Take space in a way that keeps the relationship safe.
Regulated you = Present you. And present you is who your partner really needs.
Check out my post on Calming for Couples for more on this.
A Journaling Practice to Find Clarity Before You Speak
Before heading into a hard conversation, take a few minutes for yourself with this simple journaling process. You can use it to clarify what’s alive for you and what you need, without projecting it onto your partner.
NVC Self-Reflection:
What am I observing?
(What happened, without judgment?)
→ “What did I see, hear, or experience?”What am I feeling?
(Not what I think—but the emotion underneath.)
→ “Do I feel hurt? Lonely? Anxious? Frustrated?”What do I need or value right now?
(A universal need—like connection, safety, rest, honesty.)
→ “What really matters to me in this situation?”What would help meet this need?
(This could be a request for your partner, or even an action you can take yourself.)
→ “Would it support me to ask for a break, to go for a walk, or to say what I’m feeling gently?”
This kind of inner check-in helps you come to the conversation from a place of self-responsibility and clarity, rather than reactivity.
Final Thoughts
Nonviolent Communication isn’t about saying the right thing. It’s about staying connected, to yourself, to your partner, and to what really matters.
It takes time, practice, and a whole lot of grace. But it’s one of the most powerful ways we can turn conflict into connection and create a relationship that feels safe, vibrant, and real.
If you and your partner want support putting these tools into practice, I offer sessions where we explore this work in a grounded and relational way. Feel free to reach out.
