Calming for Couples

Written By Salu Creations Pty Ltd

How to move from conflict to connection — even when emotions run high

Why Emotion Regulation Matters in Relationships

In the heat of conflict, many couples fall into the same painful cycle:

  • Something triggers one partner.

  • The other reacts defensively.

  • Misunderstandings build.

  • Emotions escalate.

  • Disconnection deepens.

But what if, instead of spiralling out, you could pause, regulate, and reconnect?

“Emotion Regulation is the Foundation of Any Relational Skill”

Emotion regulation is the key to transforming this cycle. It doesn’t mean shutting down your feelings. It means learning to notice when you’re becoming dysregulated and using tools to calm your nervous system so you can show up with care, curiosity, and clarity. No other relational skills works if you are not regulated first.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
— Viktor E. Frankl

Recognising Dysregulation

The Window Tolerance - Adapted from Dan SeIgal

When you're emotionally dysregulated, your nervous system shifts into survival mode , fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

You may feel:

  • A racing heart

  • Muscle tension or clenched jaw

  • Shallow or fast breathing

  • Feeling “on edge,” overwhelmed, or like you want to shut down or lash out

According to Gottman Method research, a heart rate over 100 bpm is often a reliable sign of emotional flooding (Gottman, 2011). If you wear a smartwatch, check in during conflict. If not, tune into the body. A simple body scan can help.

“What am I noticing in my body right now? My heart? Belly? Jaw? Shoulders? Breath?”

It’s also helpful to notice how your body feels when you’re calm — so you can begin to recognise the difference.

Self-Regulation Tools: Coming Back to Yourself

Here are some practical, research-backed tools to bring your nervous system back into balance:

1. TIPP Skill

(from Linehan, 2015)

Powerful tools for distress tolerance:

  • Temperature: Splash cold water on your face, hold an ice cube, or use peppermint oil.

  • Intense Exercise: Do a wall sit, plank, or sprint for 60 seconds to release adrenaline.

  • Paced Breathing: Try a 4–6 rhythm: inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6.

  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and release each muscle group from forehead to toes.

Try out my Not Taking Things Personally practice, integrating some of the above suggestions.

2. Sensory Soothing

Use the five senses to ground yourself in the present moment:

Sense Soothing Examples Sight Nature scenes, soft light, calming images Sound Music, chimes, nature sounds Smell Essential oils, familiar scents Taste Mint, herbal tea, lemon, chocolate Touch Soft blanket, warm mug, kinetic sand, hand on heart

3. The 20-Minute Break

When emotions are high, Dr. Gottman recommends a minimum 20-minute pause to let stress hormones settle.

  • Use a pre-agreed signal or phrase like “Pause — I need to come back regulated.”

  • Take space: stretch, breathe, journal, walk, shake it out.

  • Reconnect when heart rate and breath return to baseline.

Try This: 5-Minute Diaphragmatic Breathing Practice

Check out my video -

Understanding and Practicing Self-Regulation for Couples

Co-Regulation: Soothing Together

You don’t have to do it all alone. Humans are wired for co-regulation — we calm more easily in the presence of someone grounded, safe, and connected.

Here’s a simple co-regulation practice (adapted from my co-regulation video):

Practice: Breathing In Presence

  1. Sit facing your partner, close enough to hold hands or touch knees.

  2. Take a few deep breaths.

  3. Make gentle eye contact, without the need to speak.

  4. Breathe together for 2–3 minutes.

  5. At the end, each partner names a body sensation or feeling:

    “I feel softer,” or “My shoulders just dropped.”

For more support try out the guided practice here -

Or go deep with my video on Co-Regulation for Couples

Conflict with Regulation: A Healthier Cycle

Let’s revisit a common argument, but this time, with regulation in place:

P1: “I felt hurt yesterday when you didn’t return my call.”
P2: (Pauses, body scans, breathes) “I feel my chest tightening… I want to stay open.”
P1: “Thanks for saying that… I just needed to feel important to you.”
P2: “I forgot because of work, but you do matter. Want to walk with me and talk?”

This is the difference regulation makes. It's not about perfect communication. It’s about taking responsibility for your relationship to both your reaction and theirs.

When its Too Late

Sometimes its too late and we have already overreacted and created another wound in the relationship, this is where the practice of conscious repair can really help.

Check out my Short Guide to Conscious Repair & Apology

You may even have a long list of unresolved wounds in your relationship, it can be really helpful to take the time to really go there on your own and get clear on what happened and what you needed, and what part you could own that you contributed to the wound.

Check out my Guide to Letting Go or Resentement

Integration Practice

Use this space to reflect, share, and co-create your regulation plan together.
Take some time to write down on paper your answers to the following inquiries.

  • When I’m dysregulated, I usually feel...

  • My early warning signs include...

  • Things that commonly dysregulate me are... (e.g., tone of voice, being interrupted, not feeling heard, sudden change of plans)

  • When those things happen, I tend to...

  • Ways I could take care of myself or avoid these triggers include...

  • What I would love my partner to do to help me feel safer and more regulated is...

  • What I can do to support my partner’s regulation is...

  • Our co-regulation agreements include... (e.g., “we pause when overwhelmed,” “we breathe together before responding,” “we check in gently”)

  • Our shared pause or safe word is...

  • After we take a break, we will reconnect by... (e.g., walk together, make tea, gentle touch before talking again)

Find a time to get regulated together and share your answers.

Some More Helpful Practices

Making a habit of having time and space to get together and address the ongoing practicalities of your life can significantly reduce the building of tension in your relationship.

Check out my Guide to Weekly Life Meetings for Couples.

Once you are both clear on how to self-regulate, co-regulate and repair, you are well equipt to practice a more conscious and effective way of comunicating your ounmet needs and listen to your partners with emotiuonal safety and connection.

Check out my Guide to How to Communicate and Listen with Emotional Safety and Connection

Final Thoughts

Regulation isn’t about being calm all the time. It’s about learning to notice when you’re off-centre, and taking conscious steps to return. Its about showing up again and again to deepen in emotional safety and connection. The more you practise, the more trust, safety, and connection grow in your relationship.

You are not meant to do this perfectly.
You’re just meant to do it together.

Want More?

References

Salu Creations Pty Ltd
Previous

Loving Language
Next

Loving an Alcoholic