Mindful Guide to Shame
Understand it. Work with it. Grow beyond it.
What is Shame?
Shame is the painful sense that there's something wrong with me. It's different to guilt. Guilt says, "I did something wrong." Shame says, "I am wrong."
It’s the part of us that hides when we make a mistake, the voice that whispers we’re not enough, not worthy, not lovable. It’s the urge to withdraw, shut down, lash out or numb out. It disconnects us from others, and more deeply, from ourselves.
Shame shows up in all of us. It’s part of being human. But it doesn’t have to run the show.
What Emotion Is Trying to Do
All emotion is communication. It’s pre-verbal, bodily, instinctive. It’s trying to tell us something:
There’s an unmet need here.
Anger might point to a need for boundaries. Grief may reveal a longing for connection. Fear could be asking for safety. Shame clouds this clarity by making the emotion about you. Instead of showing you a need, it tells you you're the problem.
When we listen to emotion, especially beneath shame, we start to uncover what we truly need.
Where Shame Comes From
Evolutionarily:
Shame likely evolved as a social survival mechanism. In early tribes, being cast out meant death. So we developed a system to monitor how we fit in. If we were judged or excluded, shame kicked in as an alarm bell.
But we’re not in tribes anymore. That wiring remains, but now it often harms rather than helps.
Developmentally:
We’re not born ashamed. We learn it, through disapproval, punishment, emotional neglect, comparison, or inconsistent care.
When a child’s needs or emotions are met with rejection or shame, the child doesn't think, "This behaviour was wrong." The child thinks, "I am wrong."
This belief can follow us into adulthood.
It becomes the voice that says:
"I’m too much."
"I’m not enough."
"If people saw the real me, they’d leave."
What Shame Sounds Like
"Who do you think you are?"
"You’re not lovable."
"You’ll mess it up."
"They’re all going to find out."
"You’re weak."
It can be loud and harsh, or subtle and insidious. Often it hides behind perfectionism, anger, avoidance, over-working, people-pleasing, or withdrawing.
How Shame Shows Up
In the body:
A sinking feeling in the stomach
Chest tightness
Desire to shrink or disappear
Numbness or freeze
In behaviour:
Passive Responses (Shame with Collapse):
Avoiding eye contact
Withdrawing from conversations or relationships
Going silent or avoiding eye contact
Over-apologising or over explaining
Numbing out with distractions, screens, food, or substances
Self-deprecating humour
People-pleasing to avoid conflict
Becoming invisible or disengaged
Dissociation or emotional shutdown
Aggressive Responses (Shame with Defence):
Blaming others to deflect attention
Lashing out or criticising to regain control
Sarcasm or contempt
Defensiveness or argumentativeness
Perfectionism to avoid further exposure
Needing to be “right” or in control
Controlling others emotionally or energetically
Competing or comparing to feel superior
Why Shame Is Not Adaptive
Shame is not a helpful teacher. It doesn't support accountability. It corrodes self-worth and gets in the way of growth.
Unlike guilt, which can motivate repair, shame leads to isolation, disconnection, and suffering. It's linked to depression, anxiety, addiction, aggression, and perfectionism.
Shame doesn’t make you better. It makes you smaller.
How to Respond to Shame
Name it. “This is shame.”
Feel it in the body. Shame lives in the body. Notice the sensations. Let yourself feel it without collapsing or merging with it.
Ask: What’s the unmet need? Often it’s the need for connection, approval, belonging, love, forgiveness, or to make amends.
Speak it to someone safe. Shame grows in silence. It can’t survive empathy. Share it with someone who can say, "I get it. I’ve been there too."
Reclaim the truth. Gently challenge the story. Is it actually true? What would a more compassionate story sound like?
What to Practice Instead of Shame
Self-Compassion
"This is hard, and I’m doing my best."
"I’m human. I make mistakes."
"I’m allowed to be messy and still be loved."
Check out my post on self-compassion here.
Truth-Telling
Share one real thing per week with someone you trust.
Practice saying, "I feel ashamed right now," when it’s safe to do so.
Reconnection
Move toward people who can see you and still stay close.
Repair with someone when you can.
Journaling Prompts
What triggered shame today?
What did I make that mean about me?
What need might be underneath?
What would compassion sound like right now?
Somatic Practices for Working with Shame
These body-based tools help process shame when talking isn't enough:
Grounding through the feet – Stand or sit. Place attention in your feet. Press them into the earth. Feel gravity holding you.
Orienting – Let your eyes slowly move around the room. Name what you see. This anchors you in the here and now.
Breath anchoring – Place one hand on your chest, one on your belly. Lengthen your exhale. Feel yourself coming home.
Gentle movement – Shake out the arms or legs, walk slowly, stretch. Movement releases tension and shame residue.
Touch – Place your hand on your heart, face, or belly. Offer warmth to the part of you that feels ashamed.
Toning – Humming or vocal tones (like a long “ooo” or “aah”) soothe the vagus nerve and calm the shame response.
Closing Thoughts
You are not your shame. It may have shaped your past, but it doesn’t define your worth.
The opposite of shame isn’t perfection. It’s connection.
We don’t need to hide to be safe. We need to be met.
And we don’t need to be fixed to be loved. We need to be seen.
Let shame be a signal, not a sentence. Let it guide you back to the unmet need, and from there, back to yourself.
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